Y10W37 - Running Out of Chances

[Hobson]

This came out kind of dark and weird. But, then, so is the story.

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_so ... D=11779144

verse:

His mother was a user.
His father sold the stuff.
They dropped him off with family
When the going got tough.
First with his mother's brother
Who had an understanding wife.
They fed and clothed and loved him,
But he didn't like the life.

chorus:

Always on the front line
Wherever he goes.
He's running out of chances
And living on the road.

verse:

His Grandma came to get him
He never made her cry.
He studied and played football,
But then she up and died.
His mother swam at midnight
In the reservoir.
She never had learned how to swim
And now she is no more.

chorus

verse:

That left him with Grandpa,
Who wasn't quite right.
The kid stole his money
And then they had a fight.
The judge said, "we'll lock you up
Unless you go to war."
He opted for the Army.
Now he's a deserter.

chorus

verse:

He spent some time in the brig
And in the county jail.
Now there's nowhere else to go
Until he lands in Hell.

[dhodge]

Hi Renee

Nice work on the story and the use of descriptive narrative. I do have a question about the second verse:

His Grandma came to get him
He never made her cry.
He studied and played football,
But then she up and died.
His mother swam at midnight
In the reservoir.
She never had learned how to swim
And now she is no more.

Is the "mother" here the mother mentioned in the first verse or the mother of the grandmother. Maybe it's just me but I wasn't sure.

Would also like to suggest changing the "the" ("...the life...") in the last line of the first verse to either "that" or "their," simply to give a bit more of a descriptive accent.

Looking forward to more.

Peace

[MrEWorm]

Nice guitar work and solid vocal performance. I liked the story as well.

[Hobson]

Thanks for listening and commenting. The story was easy because it's real. I could have written several more verses, but it was getting too long.

I think it's clear who the "mother" is in verse 2, so don't plan to change that. As far as using "their" or "the" life, I thought about that. I was trying to say the normal life that normal people live. I'll give that one some more thought.

[Vic Lewis VL]

Very nice. Love the voice, and the guitar complements it almost perfectly. Wasn't too sure about the war/deserter rhyme when reading the lyrics, but didn't even notice it when listening.

A great listen.



Vic

[Hobson]

Thanks, Vic. That war/deserter verse was a tough one. I wanted to convey the idea that he got sent to Iraq, but didn't want to make it about Iraq. I couldn't come up with a suitable rhyme for "war," so used a near rhyme. In print, the rhythm looks awkward.

[jamestoffee]

Hi Renee,

Great retelling of a sad situation. On the listen all worked well....which is the most important....

.....and you got me thinking........regarding your songwriting process..........

.............when I read it first, I got locked into reading it as "Mary had a little lamb" so............

.....I was wondering if you use a set rhyming pattern to write the words first and then the music?.........

..................... and if you do have a rhyming pattern template is it a conscious or unconscious effort?............

............... and if it is a conscious effort, is there a handful of certain set rhymes you use?

Thanks for sharing.

James

[Hobson]

James, no to all of your questions. However, when I'm writing for an SSG topic, I tend to think about lyrics first before music. And, of course, I'm usually working within the one week timeframe. Because of writing lyrics first and the deadline, I know that I tend more toward the same type of rhyming patterns. Nothing wrong with that, I suppose. It worked for Shakespeare.

However, outside of SSG I usually think of the music first and maybe a general idea of what the song will be about. Then I work on the lyrics.