Y10 W24 - Traffic

[hagrider]

I tried to follow the approach we did a few weeks ago of writing a shedload of detail & words and then picking some & building on them.
So this song started from the image of a girl getting into a car on a dark rainy street, and grew from there. Quite surprised me where it went - but that is sometime the way. I would point out that I write imagined stories & rarely anything autobiographical - this one is entirely ficticious !!


Traffic

I am neither here nor there, no not anywhere
wet tyres, wheel spin
hitch my skirt and I climb in
princess on board
oh money changing hands
take me, don't take me nowhere

Must be this is a family car
wet wipes and cellophane debris
plastic low-heel shoes in a string bag
his wet lips and his dry hands
and it feels like some kind of a disease

car park industrial estate
CC reality TV
This week another milestone passed me by
my eyes closed with a wish list
I blew a candle out just for me

I am neither here nor there, no not anywhere
wet tyres, wheel spin
hitch my skirt and I climb in
princess on board
oh money changing hands
take me, don't take me nowhere

You light me a spare cigarette
warm beer and nothing said
swallow a little white pill of never mind
night shift and women's work
drop back seat for a hard bed

I am neither here nor there, no not anywhere
wet tyres, wheel spin
hitch my skirt and I climb in
princess on board
oh money changing hands
take me, don't take me nowhere

[andygetch]

Very descriptive! For me it's always interesting to write from another viewpoint besides mine.

[pbee]

H Hagrider,
good work. If this was my song I would consider emphisising the the going nowhere theme even more maybe an extra line (spoken perhaps) , cos for me this is the essence of this song. Maybe something like this:

I am neither here nor there, no not anywhere
wet tyres, wheel spin
hitch my skirt and I climb in
princess on board
oh money changing hands
take me, don't take me nowhere
... Im going nowhere

cheers

Paul

[hagrider]

Good point Paul - I'll try it that way. But will probs use "this is going nowhere" rather than "I'm going nowhere" - not sure why tho

[jamestoffee]

Hi Hagrider,

Good write! Nice job with the vivid details. We get the story by the showing not telling. I also like the title; how it misleads at first, but is appropriate after the read.

Suggestion:
his wet lips and his dry hands
and it feels like some kind of a disease

....could be

his dry lips and his wet hands
and it feels like some kind of a disease .......that sounds more of a turnoff

....also this might be work or not........instead of "princess on board" maybe "princess for hire"

Thanks for sharing.

James

[hagrider]

Trust me - I'm female - wet lips & dry hands is WAY more disgusting....

"princess on board" is supposed to be one of those stupid car-rear-window-sign things. But I do like the idea of "for hire" and will deffo try to work that one in somewhere. Things will change around a bit when I get a tune sorted.

Thanks for the feedback.

[jamestoffee]

Trust me - I'm female - wet lips & dry hands is WAY more disgusting....

LOL ok wet lips and dry hands it is!

"princess on board" is supposed to be one of those stupid car-rear-window-sign things.

Ok....I thought you already did a good job describing the inside of the car b/c that let the listener know know it's a family man....so I thought the singer was talking about herself.

[hagrider]

Yes - its supposed to be contrast between the "little princess" daughter of the family & the girl. I need to clarify that more though - as you are right it doesn't really quite make sense as it stands. Its the sort of thing that is hard to spot as the writer, so thanks for flagging it. Maybe I'll even just add "the sign says" in front of "princess on board" - or something along those lines.

[Hobson]

If you moved the "princess on board" line to the verse about "must be a family car" and moved the "wet lips, dry hands" idea to different verse, it would be clearer.

[MrEWorm]

I've been avoiding commenting on this one because of the nature of the topic. It is well written and I hope to hear a finished product.