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Y10 W24 - Traffic

The Sunday Songwriters club is a stretching exercise for your mind. Arpeggios for the brain cells, so to speak. After all, writing is like playing - to get better, you have to practice.

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Postby hagrider » April 11th, 2012, 10:59 am

I tried to follow the approach we did a few weeks ago of writing a shedload of detail & words and then picking some & building on them.
So this song started from the image of a girl getting into a car on a dark rainy street, and grew from there. Quite surprised me where it went - but that is sometime the way. I would point out that I write imagined stories & rarely anything autobiographical - this one is entirely ficticious !!


Traffic


I am neither here nor there, no not anywhere
wet tyres, wheel spin
hitch my skirt and I climb in
princess on board
oh money changing hands
take me, don't take me nowhere

Must be this is a family car
wet wipes and cellophane debris
plastic low-heel shoes in a string bag
his wet lips and his dry hands
and it feels like some kind of a disease

car park industrial estate
CC reality TV
This week another milestone passed me by
my eyes closed with a wish list
I blew a candle out just for me

I am neither here nor there, no not anywhere
wet tyres, wheel spin
hitch my skirt and I climb in
princess on board
oh money changing hands
take me, don't take me nowhere

You light me a spare cigarette
warm beer and nothing said
swallow a little white pill of never mind
night shift and women's work
drop back seat for a hard bed

I am neither here nor there, no not anywhere
wet tyres, wheel spin
hitch my skirt and I climb in
princess on board
oh money changing hands
take me, don't take me nowhere
Cheers,

HagRider
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Postby andygetch » April 11th, 2012, 4:56 pm

Very descriptive! For me it's always interesting to write from another viewpoint besides mine.
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Postby pbee » April 12th, 2012, 12:00 pm

H Hagrider,
good work. If this was my song I would consider emphisising the the going nowhere theme even more maybe an extra line (spoken perhaps) , cos for me this is the essence of this song. Maybe something like this:

I am neither here nor there, no not anywhere
wet tyres, wheel spin
hitch my skirt and I climb in
princess on board
oh money changing hands
take me, don't take me nowhere
... Im going nowhere


cheers

Paul
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Postby hagrider » April 12th, 2012, 1:33 pm

Good point Paul - I'll try it that way. But will probs use "this is going nowhere" rather than "I'm going nowhere" - not sure why tho
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Postby jamestoffee » April 13th, 2012, 2:03 am

Hi Hagrider,

Good write! :D Nice job with the vivid details. We get the story by the showing not telling. I also like the title; how it misleads at first, but is appropriate after the read.

Suggestion:
his wet lips and his dry hands
and it feels like some kind of a disease

....could be

his dry lips and his wet hands
and it feels like some kind of a disease .......that sounds more of a turnoff :roll:

....also this might be work or not........instead of "princess on board" maybe "princess for hire"

Thanks for sharing.

James
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Postby hagrider » April 13th, 2012, 2:29 am

Trust me - I'm female - wet lips & dry hands is WAY more disgusting.... 8)

"princess on board" is supposed to be one of those stupid car-rear-window-sign things. But I do like the idea of "for hire" and will deffo try to work that one in somewhere. Things will change around a bit when I get a tune sorted.

Thanks for the feedback.
Cheers,

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Postby jamestoffee » April 13th, 2012, 2:37 am

hagrider wrote:Trust me - I'm female - wet lips & dry hands is WAY more disgusting.... 8)

LOL :lol: ok wet lips and dry hands it is!
hagrider wrote:"princess on board" is supposed to be one of those stupid car-rear-window-sign things.

Ok....I thought you already did a good job describing the inside of the car b/c that let the listener know know it's a family man....so I thought the singer was talking about herself.
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Postby hagrider » April 13th, 2012, 5:41 am

Yes - its supposed to be contrast between the "little princess" daughter of the family & the girl. I need to clarify that more though - as you are right it doesn't really quite make sense as it stands. Its the sort of thing that is hard to spot as the writer, so thanks for flagging it. Maybe I'll even just add "the sign says" in front of "princess on board" - or something along those lines.
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Postby Hobson » April 13th, 2012, 11:15 am

If you moved the "princess on board" line to the verse about "must be a family car" and moved the "wet lips, dry hands" idea to different verse, it would be clearer.
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Postby John Sargent » April 15th, 2012, 4:57 am

I've been avoiding commenting on this one because of the nature of the topic. It is well written and I hope to hear a finished product.
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