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SSG Week 13-"5,000 Flaws"

The Sunday Songwriters club is a stretching exercise for your mind. Arpeggios for the brain cells, so to speak. After all, writing is like playing - to get better, you have to practice.

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Postby dhodge » January 29th, 2004, 3:01 pm

Hi there S!

For a "quickie" there's some good stuff here. I think you're right in that some of the meter can be smoothed out. In the first verse:

You say I'm beautiful
That makes me smile
But from what I hear
Still sounds like a lie

The first two lines, by the way, are perfect! Great lead-in to the song. But the third line seems a little awkward. You might try something like this:

You say I'm beautiful
That makes me smile
But everything I hear  (or "every word")
Still sounds like a lie

Keep at it though!

Peace
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Postby Llyr's Tiger » January 31st, 2004, 10:11 am

that line bothered me too, but I'm happy with just changing it to:  
"but what I hear
still sounds like a lie"

It's the "from" that makes that not work.  "From what I hear" refers to third party talk.  She's not talking about third party talk; it's her own response.  

I know it changes the rhythm some, but does it destroy it altogether?  
This is a brand new beginner talking, and I'm not experienced enough to really even know if this is valuable feedback.  My apologies if it's not.
Llyr's Tiger
 

Postby dhodge » January 31st, 2004, 6:45 pm

No need for apologies, Llyr's Tiger, you're doing fine with the critiques!

Believe it or not, and you can ask "Mr Moderator" Nick about this, but I believe that you can improve your own songwriting skills immensely by taking part in critiques.

Keep at it, please. And "hello and welcome!" by the way. Looking forward to reading more from you.

Peace

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Postby BlackSwan » February 1st, 2004, 6:30 pm

Yup. I seem to have that problem with these lines too  ::), only I think "but what I hear still sounds all wrong" makes it even better! Lol. Otherwise it's a good song, not bad at all.

By the way welcome to the forum and all that and of course David's right, on a critique you can't be wrong. Sort of.

good work,
Laura
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