Jamplay.com Holiday Special

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SSG Week 8

The Sunday Songwriters club is a stretching exercise for your mind. Arpeggios for the brain cells, so to speak. After all, writing is like playing - to get better, you have to practice.

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Postby Veronica » December 26th, 2003, 1:33 am

I'm a registered member but I forgot my password, Ill reregister later. But anyway, I forgot to add water in this song, but ill be a rebel and leave it out :P  I don't know if its any good, so you guys be the judge.  and I love criticism (that will be useful to me) so don't be afraid to say exactly what you feel!

Look at the sky
Can you see the air?
You can feel it, so you know it's there

Look down at Mom
Earth has swallowed me whole
Though you may not see me, I'm still here

The wind may pass through
But never does it change
Whether strong or cold
It blows in the same way
And for me and you, life is the same
Memories still pass through every day
Though fire does burn
And fire does kill
Fire is then born and will live as it will
Keep my flame alive, and watch me pass through
Breathe me in through the smoke and i will exhale throughout you
Veronica
 

Postby Christiaan » December 27th, 2003, 12:05 pm

Okay, you asked for it!

I think it's a very poetic song. Also very unusual structure, which I always like to see.

But I don't follow "Keep my flame alive" to "watch me pass through", the step may be too big here. I don't understand this as it is.
There's a thin line between vague and poetic, a wise man once said.

I love the last line though.

Just an idea: you might add some line about the flame getting "extinguished in the sea of time".
You wouldn't be a rebel anymore though because there is water mentioned ;-)

Love,
Chris.
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Christiaan
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