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Y10 W10 My Messy Room

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Postby pearlthekat2 » January 2nd, 2012, 7:14 pm

Again, I'm going to try to stick with this group... :D

My Messy Room

My messy room
with my messy desk
sick cat
and new guitar

whats wrong with me
I'm not lazy

Cat one likes it
Messy places to sit
cat two
likes it too
lying by my shoe

My messy room
with things all around
mail falling off
glasses books spoons

What's wrong with me
I'm not lazy
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Postby jamestoffee » January 3rd, 2012, 6:29 am

Hi pearlthekat2,

Good start. :D I like the sparseness of the lyrics.

Suggestion:
There is room for some description ie- color or type of cat and illness.....maybe a way to describe a messy desk instead of staying. For example (showing) I couldn't stop staring at the inch long wart on the tip of her nose....compared to (telling) she was an ugly woman

Also, I don't know if you would find this clever or amusing....you could answer the question "What's wrong with me?" as a tag line at the end of the song.....Answer "I'm not a cat"

Take or leave what fits :wink:

pearlthekat2 wrote:Again, I'm going to try to stick with this group... :D


Good on you!

Thanks for sharing.

James
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Postby Hobson » January 3rd, 2012, 10:33 am

The lyrics are sparse, but descriptive. I like them so far. Unless you're going to have a lot of instrumental parts, you'll need more.
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Postby Celt » January 3rd, 2012, 11:55 am

Hi,

I have to agree with James. It's a good start but there is
plenty of space for more description.

"My messy room
With papers strewn
Black cat reclining
By a red guitar'

Something like that?

John
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Postby pearlthekat2 » January 3rd, 2012, 3:35 pm

I agree. I'll keep working on it. You guys have some good suggestions.
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Postby pearlthekat2 » January 8th, 2012, 2:45 pm

Rewrite

My Messy Room

I like this messy room
with the messy glass top desk,
carefully chosen for it's sleek modern look
It's under there, I swear, under all the guitar books

What's comfort for me is a mess to you
What are we going to do?
You may not like it but the cats sure do

And I sure like the cats
And I know you do too
So we'll keep it the way it is
Black cat sleeping by the shoe

I like this messy room
things are eary to find
everything is alway out
Oh Sorry about that glass of wine

What's comfort for me is a mess to you
What are we going to do?
You may not like it but the cats sure do
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Postby andygetch » January 8th, 2012, 6:29 pm

ptk2,
Great progress from the first edit. More descriptive, I can visualize your messy room :D much better. I like the hooks "I like this messy room" and "You may not like it but the cats sure do", I'm hearing it in my brain even without music indicators. I am wondering if you might want to put the two hooks together either in the beginning as something like an intro, at the end as an outro or maybe even as a refrain after each verse. Keep it up!
Andy
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Postby jamestoffee » January 9th, 2012, 2:50 am

andygetch wrote:Great progress from the first edit.

+1 Yes, getting better!
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