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The Sunday Songwriters club is a stretching exercise for your mind. Arpeggios for the brain cells, so to speak. After all, writing is like playing - to get better, you have to practice.

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Postby br85 » October 21st, 2011, 6:38 pm

36 hours in a foreign land
A lone traveller sat and read
On the sun bleached steps of a new landmark
With old memories pounding his head

Invitations are open in a place like this
To a man with note or coin
But to a man with neither gold nor fame
His own companies all he'll enjoy

So boredom outranked suspicion
When a stranger sat down by his side
Swapping stories and the usual details
The fella said his name was Kai

And his smile got wide

He said he'd lived here in this town his whole life
Asked the traveller where he called home
“I cant believe my luck” he said, wide eyed
Called his sister and passed over the phone

She told the traveller, happiness in her voice
That she'd soon leave for his country
She'd never met anyone from there before
A chat would really put her at ease

Hungry and bored he agreed to lunch
followed her brother to a cab
A moment of doubt flashed through his mind
But with his pockets full of nothing to grab

He couldn't lose out that bad

36 years in a foreign land
Hustlings how I learned to survive
How many years have I been grinding it out
I've lived a long time with no life

Nothing personal against this guy
Seems he could be the decent type
But hes a swollen fruit in a hungry land
And im trained to see if hes ripe

Daddy'll do his thing and find the greed in him
If it's there to find
The juiciest take is from dishonest men
Ive learned from this life of mine

Ok showtime
“hey my friend, we've arrived”

the traveller stepped slowly towards the door
told himself it'd be fine
welcomed to their home by an old couple
sat down in a chair and reclined

“your sister has gone to visit nana”
the old man told Kai his son
“please let's eat and she'll join us soon”
asked his guest his occupation

said the traveller “whatever pays the rent”
he couldn't yet feel their grip
the old man said he dealt blackjack
on a south east Asian cruise ship

He'd like to teach him the game

the cards were being dealt in more ways than one
the traveller was being taught
he just couldn't lose with the dealer on his team
luck it turned out could be bought

the old man leaned in “now listen my friend,
“I need a favour from you.
Ill set up a game with a guy I know
that needs taking down a peg or two”

“ill loan you the money since you said you have none,
And we'll fill our pots with his gold”
“no thank you sir” the traveller said
Not buying what he was being sold

“It's time for us to part ways”


I saw the moment he was on to us
The smile dropped from his eyes
I've seen that look before in hospitals
After a relative dies

I suppose he thought we'd cut him up
But we're not murderous men
I saw him thanking whatever god he knows
when we dropped him safe at the station

well its not the first and it'll not be the last
time that this tale will be told
the wheel will keep on spinning
while there's travellers on the road

this wanderer was fortunate
but many have paid the price
for not believing what they were told as a child
should carry into later life

to have a care
talking to strangers
"The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side."
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Postby jamestoffee » October 22nd, 2011, 2:31 am

Hi Ben,

Quite an epic you have going on there :shock: It's like a South East Asian version of the Gambler.

You have a lot of nice rhymes and a lot of ideas or angles that could break into 3 minute songs....if that's what you are after.

Suggestion: Consider focusing in on one point of view and one emotion throughout. That way the chorus can pop it's head into the song a bit more. Right now you have the traveler, trickster, daughter of the trickster, and 3 person omniscient all taking turns telling the story.

I like the angle of the trickster just playing the odds that some foreigner will be a jackpot; if not this guy, than the next or next.

I really like this angle as well:
But hes a swollen fruit in a hungry land
And im trained to see if hes ripe

Maybe because in Thailand foreigners are called "farang" which is also the Thai word for guava.



What music do you hear with this?

Thanks for sharing.

James
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