Hey James
Interesting story - I can see Cecil B. DeMille directing it!
As far as conflict (as pertains to the assignment), I'm not sure you quite got there.
First off - Who is the hero, and who is the story about?
The 'pauper' or the King?
The King comes off as the antagonist - The one who stands in the way of the union between the pauper and the princess....
But he seems to hold a major place in the story.
If the pauper is the Hero, where is his internal conflict? That is to say, where are his feelings?
He seems to be forced into choosing between two doors by the king.
Which amounts to really, nothing more than a 50/50 coin toss (which can be used successfully in a way like say, No Country for Old Men).
In The Monkee's song - What am I Doin' Hangin' 'Round -, the Hero feels pressured to leave the girl he has fallen in love with because he feels he can't miss that train out of town. Why he feels that pressure is unknown, and that adds a touch of suspense to the story. His internal conflict is in the decision to stay with the girl and miss the train he 'could not miss', or run for that train and lose this exciting new love. He
wants to stay with the girl. He
needs to get out of town on this train. He can have one or the other, and it's his decision. All the while we know he's running out of time - More suspense.
What would we do!? I know what I would do - Stay with the girl
So, of course, what does the Hero in the song do - He leaves on the train.
How does that make us feel?
And that is where your story ends.... After the choice is made. But where was the anguish in weighing a decision?
You had, waiting for the moment to happen - But that's not quite the same. A condemned man feels the same weight - It's a common Film Noir ploy called: Man Under Sentence of Death (Only in Film Noir, the Hero must choose to be the condemned man all on his own - See, Burt Lancaster in
The Killers).
When the time came to make a decision in your story, it came 'without hesitation'. That's sort of the opposite of internal conflict. The choice cannot be made lightly, and it must have consequences. You have to give something up to gain something else. If your pauper chooses the right door and gets the princess - What has he sacrificed to get her????
Then your story ends, leaving us without resolution.
In the Monkee's song, he makes the decision to leave on the train. But it doesn't end there. We find that a year later,
he still has great regret for leaving her behind.
Not only that, but he plans to go back to try and find her, thus turning the chorus around from it's original intent.
We don't get total resolution on that one either - Cos we don't know if he was successful in getting her back (Having his cake and eating it too).... But we're left with the thought of him riding the same train back to her with the hope that it all works out. So, although unfinished, it has left us with HOPE of a fairytale ending
I don't know this for certain, but right at the moment, I'm thinking maybe your perspective is off for this....?
You seem to be using an omniscient narrator. Perhaps a first person account would be better - As Both the Monkee's song and the Naked Eyes song are in first person (my examples for this weeks assignment).
I think to be convincing, maybe the Hero must portray their feelings and emotions themselves....?
Ken
