SSG12 - Week43 - I'm not lost - mp3 added

The Sunday Songwriters club is a stretching exercise for your mind. Arpeggios for the brain cells, so to speak. After all, writing is like playing - to get better, you have to practice.
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pbee
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SSG12 - Week43 - I'm not lost - mp3 added

Post by pbee » August 24th, 2014, 11:44 pm

So apart from life getting in the way I haven't written much lately but I have been reading a lot. Mainly Lee Childs' "Jack Reacher" stories, in fact I'm on the last one :( at the moment. So its with Jack in mind that this song presents. Musically think "Spooky" (ish) by Dusty Springfield

I’m not lost
© 2014 Copyright Paul Brady

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12900755

version 3
========
Right from the start
you went looking for me
to find the man I'm not,
your own fantasy

Babe I'm not lost, I’m not lost
I just can't be found
hmm......
I just can't be found

How can you say you've lost
something you never had
I'm misplacing my heart
giving nothing back

Babe it’s not lost, I’m not lost
I just can't be found
hmm......
I just can't be found

Can't be found in your dreams
I’m not the one in your magazines
Just a guy passing though and I
won't be found won’t be found by you

So kiss me on the cheek
lets say our goodbyes
let me put on my coat
it aint no surprise

Babe I'm not lost, I’m not lost
I just can't be found
hmm......
I just can't be found

Don't want to be found




version 2
========
Right from the start
you went looking for me
to find the man I'm not,
your own fantasy

Cos babe I'm not lost, I’m not lost
I just can't be found
hmm......
don't want to be found

How can you say you've lost
something you never had
I'm misplacing my heart
giving nothing back

But babe it’s not lost, I’m not lost
I just can't be found
hmm......
don't want to be found

Can't be found in your dreams
I’m not the one in those magazines
Just a guy passing though and I
won't be found won’t be found by you

So kiss me on the cheek
lets say our goodbyes
let me put on my coat
it should be no surprise

Cos babe I'm not lost, I’m not lost
I just can't be found
hmm......
don't want to be found


Original version
=============
How can you say you've lost
something you never had
You accuse me of
acting out some charade

Cos babe I'm not lost
I just can't be found
hmm......
don't want to be found

Right from the start
you went looking for me
to find someone I'm not,
your own fantasy

But babe I'm not lost
I just can't be found
hmm......
don't want to be found

Can't be found in your dreams
I’m not the one in those magazines
Just a guy passing though and I
won't be found won’t be found by you

So kiss me now
lets say our goodbyes
let me go now
it should be no surprise

Cos babe I'm not lost
I just can't be found
hmm......
don't want to be found
Last edited by pbee on August 29th, 2014, 7:06 pm, edited 3 times in total.

jamestoffee
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Re: SSG12 - Week43 - I'm not lost

Post by jamestoffee » August 25th, 2014, 2:22 am

Hi Paul,

Good start :D

I like the play on words and the line "I'm not lost; I just can't be found"

Suggestions:

Consider switching this for V1 "Right from the start" and this for V2 "How can you say you've lost"

Also consider getting more concrete objects and sensory details in lyrics. Right now I only see "magazine" as a concrete object.

Since you've got the gist of the idea, try playing this little game where you try to include all of the following:
A color
A time of day
A named place
A named famous person, alive or dead
A brand
A type of food or drink
A number
A part of the body
An item of clothing

I picked up the idea from another song a week forum and it really helped the listeners connect more with the song.....I used this between the original version and through the revisions on Paradise Motel......
http://forums.guitarnoise.com/viewtopic ... 23&t=56097
....You commented, I made the song a bit long, but it wasn't due to the sensory details.....and I was able to go back and trim it down.

Thanks for sharing.

James

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Re: SSG12 - Week43 - I'm not lost

Post by pbee » August 25th, 2014, 11:40 pm

Thanks for the comments James,
I guess chronologically v1 & v2 needed to be swapped. My original intention was v1 sets the scene, v2 cuts back to the past for background v3 he moves on. Just playing with the boxes :wink: . Anyway version 2 has them swapped. I like concrete items idea. I was going to put Cary Grant in the Charade line but in the end I think that would have been a distraction in the song. I did use some of them though and I think the song is all the better for it.

cheers

Paul

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Re: SSG12 - Week43 - I'm not lost

Post by jamestoffee » August 26th, 2014, 3:41 am

pbee wrote: I think the song is all the better for it.
Yes, now let's have a listen :note2: Plenty of time in the week :wink:

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Re: SSG12 - Week43 - I'm not lost

Post by pbee » August 26th, 2014, 10:36 am

Yes, now let's have a listen :note2: Plenty of time in the week :wink:
We'll see

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Re: SSG12 - Week43 - I'm not lost

Post by John Sargent » August 26th, 2014, 3:20 pm

Nice job on this one

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Re: SSG12 - Week43 - I'm not lost

Post by dhodge » August 27th, 2014, 1:07 pm

Hi Paul

Like the mood of this one and the rewrite is definitely a good step up from the original. Well done!

Only suggestion I'd make is in this couplet:

Can't be found in your dreams
I’m not the one in those magazines

The second line could use a bit of a tweak, even if it's just a switch from "those" to "your." And, depending on how the melody works, you can either a bit more direct action:

Can't be found in your dreams
I won't step out of your magazines

Or go with less and stretch it out over longer melody notes:

Can't be found in your dreams
Or in your glossy magazines

Very much looking forward to hearing this at some point, regardless of how long it takes! And, as always, looking forward to more.

Peace

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Re: SSG12 - Week43 - I'm not lost

Post by pbee » August 27th, 2014, 1:47 pm

Thanks John and David for the comments,
David wrote:The second line could use a bit of a tweak, even if it's just a switch from "those" to "your." And, depending on how the melody works, you can either a bit more direct action:
David, now that you mention it I can see that line is a bit weak, its funny how at the time it seemed fine but yes I think it needs more focus. "those" ---> "your" - done.
As for a recording, I'll try for a basic one.
cheers
Paul

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Re: SSG12 - Week43 - I'm not lost - mp3 added

Post by pbee » August 29th, 2014, 7:15 pm

I found some time this morning while everyone else was away, so here's the mp3.

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12900755

"...remember you wanted this" - Jack Reacher :lol:

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Re: SSG12 - Week43 - I'm not lost - mp3 added

Post by jamestoffee » August 29th, 2014, 10:11 pm

Hey Paul,

Nice vibe...the words and music match well. :D

Suggestions: Consider raising the key a step. It sounds a touch out of your vocal range which makes some of the words get lost (no pun intended :roll: ).

You might also try kicking up the energy and vocal pitch on the section:

Babe I'm not lost, I’m not lost
I just can't be found
hmm......
I just can't be found

......similar to the Zombie's song "She's Not There" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rkuv5_MiPmk

Thanks for sharing.

James

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Re: SSG12 - Week43 - I'm not lost - mp3 added

Post by dhodge » August 30th, 2014, 12:31 pm

Thoroughly enjoyed the MP3!

Personally, I'm okay with the vocals right where they are but I agree with James that it's possible for them to get lost on the low notes (particularly if you add more to the accompaniment) but for this version, the key works fine.

Looking forward to more.

Peace

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Re: SSG12 - Week43 - I'm not lost - mp3 added

Post by pbee » August 30th, 2014, 2:02 pm

James and David thanks for the listen and feedback.
I didn't spend much time mixing and mastering this so yes there are a couple of spaces were the vocal gets lost. Generally some judicious frequency compression of the other tracks in the mix can open up some room for the vocal.
I've been experimenting with recording different instruments in different parts of the house. The guitar was done in the living room , the bass in my spare room / studio the cajon in the kitchen (galley type so great sound reflection) and the vocal in my walk-in wardrobe. Its all good fun :D

cheers

Paul

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Re: SSG12 - Week43 - I'm not lost - mp3 added

Post by cooker1 » April 10th, 2019, 7:20 am

Hey Pbee..was just snooping around ssg...I dig this....its gotta Van Morrison "quiet" Cream feel
be nice to hear it with a full compliment!

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