Y10 W46 - Halfway Overheard Morphed Haiku

[andygetch]

Another experiment as a result of poetry diving. The first verse is very similar to the lines I overheard when walking by, but I may have heard it wrong . Coincidentally when I wrote the lines down I counted 17 syllables, the right number for Haiku poetry. That is three lines, 5 syllables first line, 7 second line, 5 third line, and no end line rhymes. I used that form. Inspired by Emily Dickinson, I bent it with punctuation in odd places.
The (absurd?) idea I had was similar to the game where a story gets repeated privately and changes from one person to the next. The changes/morphs from verse to verse were mainly based on rhymes or near rhymes words overheard or read elsewhere that were rhymes or near rhymes. Alliteration, assonance or consonance was a consideration. Then I used a rhyming dictionary to fill in, shuffled and tweaked it a bit. Lyrics only haven't had a thought about music yet, it'll be a busy weekend so I think it's time to walk away from this, it's the muse's turn to show up and do it's part now (as in the Elizabeth Gilbert TED talk) . As always, any comments are welcome.

Matti said: you left
her in a snitty mood for
me, thank you, I can.

Chatty saved - you're less,
fur in a pretty new door.
She then drew islands.

Taffy sends her best,
four in, but thirty two more.
We can choose my pen.

Trapeze bend, her blessed
storin' hut. Hermes who's sure.
Free bascule islands.

Easy blend or pressed,
pourin such city goo, or
please crank school right in.

After we do rest,
idea facilities,
Lee shrank to lighten.

Lastly, the schools crest.
Our ten possibilities.
Street blank's knew - life's done.

[MrEWorm]

I read your intro and then your haiku. It's 6:30 AM here. Maybe more coffee will help me understand it better.

[andygetch]

I read your intro and then your haiku. It's 6:30 AM here. Maybe more coffee will help me understand it better.

Thanks for the note, but Caffeine - won't help - I don't pretend to understand it either, no hit song here, wouldn't even be helped by a rocking chord progression and slur the words . Just putting down words as presented to me in an unorthodox manner.

[jamestoffee]

Hi Andy,

I like the "telephone game" idea of the lyrics morphing into an unintended message. My only suggestion would be to have the verses make more sense through the transition; maybe just change a few words at a time, but have the end result the opposite of what the speaker intended.

Thanks for sharing

James

[andygetch]

I like the "telephone game" idea of the lyrics morphing into an unintended message. My only suggestion would be to have the verses make more sense through the transition; maybe just change a few words at a time, but have the end result the opposite of what the speaker intended.

James, That idea initially got overwhelmed by random words heard and read, . May play with it and try it that way again to add at least some sense or connection between verses, Thanks for the suggestion

[dhodge]

As a writing excercise, this is very interesting and kind of fun to sort through from one stanza to the next. As a song, though (and it seems that most folks -yourself included - seem to feel this way), it's very much a work in progress. Obviously a message, point of view or even a vague unifying theme would certainly help. You also may find yourself doing a bit of tweaking and rewriting when you try to sing some of these lines! There are some real tricky phrases in there for a singer to cleanly (and clearly) sing.

Still, it definitely has potential. It will be interesting to see and hear how this all works out should you decide to continue work on it.

Looking forward to more.

Peace