Lyric Help? :)

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Simplyenchanting
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Lyric Help? :)

Post by Simplyenchanting » January 18th, 2012, 3:29 pm

Hi! Okay, I am brand new to this! This is my first "complete" song..but I'm having a hard time with the music, so really it's just lyrics. I would really appreciate any feedback you have! Umm the song is inspired by this guy that recently moved about 8 hours away, and we both really like each other, so we've been talking a lot. Anyways, on day we were talking and he told me, "When I get my truck I'm coming to pick you up. We'll go anywhere you want." And...it inspired this:) I realize this is probably elementry..but it is just my first song, so try and go a little easy on me:) Thank you in advance!

P.S. I guess it's not exactly in a great form..I'm sorry! I didnt do a specific writing pattern (I don't think...). Any tips concerning this would be great too! Also, I wrote it on the notes in my iPhone and it didn't transfer quite right. Oh, and I was having a hard time coming up with a good title (my two thoughts were 'We Could' or 'Where You Wanna Go?' but..they're not very catchty right?). Any ideas?

You were 525 miles away
that Tuesday night, and to
every word you were sayin',
I found myself holding on tight. 

The way you were going on,
I couldn't help but thinking (ohh)
you could hardly say anything wrong.
I think we were laughing bout something
when all of a sudden you told me:

When I get my truck
I'm coming to pick you up.
We'll go anywhere you  want.
We could pull over at a park,
strum our guitars in the bed of the truck
till it starts getting dark.
Then we could watch the stars in the night sky,
babe it'd just be you and I,
if that's something you'd like.
Sounds good to me, but I don't care
as long as you're sittin' in my passenger seat.
Tell me, where you wanna go?

Well the days were gradually getting colder,
the nights were dragging longer..
our feelings growing stronger too.
Babe I know better but
you've got me really falling for you.

As I was laying on my bed just to pass the time,
pretty thoughts of you were dancing through my mind .
I was thinkin' bout somethin' when all of a sudden
you told me:

When I get my truck
I'm coming to pick you up.
We'll go anywhere you want.
We could pull over at a park,
strum our guitars in the bed of the truck
till it starts getting dark.
Then we could watch the stars in the night sky,
babe it'd just be you and I,
if that's something you'd like.
Sounds good to me, but I don't care
as long as you're sittin' in my passenger seat.
Tell  me, where you wanna go?

And slowly my mind's caught in your deep brown eyes,
our conversations, you're simple hair n'
your hand entangled in mine, and I reply...:

Or we could just drive.
I don't care where we go,
as long as you're there with me,
by my side..that's all I really need to know.
We could go till we run out of gas,
baby I say we make it last...If that's alright with you.
Sounds good to me, but I don't care 
as long as you're sittin' in that drivers seat.
We could just drive, and promise me you wont leave my side.
Just drive.

You were 525 miles away that night,
and to every word you were sayin I held on tight.
Well I think we were laughing about something
when I started strumming...this tune.

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s1120
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Re: Lyric Help? :)

Post by s1120 » January 18th, 2012, 6:23 pm

Very nice song. I'll let those more skilled give you tips. But I like it. As for a title... what kinda song you thinking about? More country? Balad? Rock? First one that came to my head reading it was "What could be"
Paul B

Simplyenchanting
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Joined: January 18th, 2012, 2:50 pm

Re: Lyric Help? :)

Post by Simplyenchanting » January 20th, 2012, 7:19 am

Thank you! For the kind of song..I was thinking more upbeat country.

andygetch
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Location: Fort Myers, Florida, USA

Re: Lyric Help? :)

Post by andygetch » January 21st, 2012, 6:42 pm

Hi Simplyenchanting!
Pretty good start! I've been working on songwriting for a couple of years and the first one, for me, was one of the hardest. Read the songwriting tips on the forum, books and there is lots of info on the web. One of the things I like is the transition from verse to chorus "when all of a sudden..." For your specific lyrics a couple of things occur to me as possible ways for me (as a third person) to understand and relate to the story. The way I read the lyrics is like it is a conversation between two people, which could be fine and works great if it is sung as a duet, or if your audience is just your boyfriend. Otherwise the "you" in the verse and the chorus could be interpreted differently (I am guessing) than your meaning. By changing "you" to "he" in the verse, then the song is sung to a third person or audience. Another option, to make the singer the narrator, change "I" to "she". Its your choice how you want to present the song and not a big deal, just try the substitution and see if you like it. Also, the more descriptive you can be with the more people will relate, being descriptive is hard sometimes. I like the "525 miles", "deep brown eyes", "your hand entangled" descriptions. Could be more specific about one or more of: where you were "that Tuesday night", the truck (model/make, size), park (name, other features in the park, woods, water), or type of guitar. Also, I've heard and read a lot of songwriters that say it's hard to come up with music to match lyrics. Having put myself in that predicament many times and (except for a blessed few times when my subconscious picked a melody), I just try different basic chords (key of C is easiest for most) and see what feels right, maybe one major and one minor chord with the verse (maybe C and Em). Then a couple of major chords with the chorus (maybe C and G). That way you have three chords to start with. If you are more comfortable singing/playing with other keys or chords use those instead. I'm still tweaking most of my songs, until it's recorded on a commercial CD its a work in progress. Give yourself credit for taking the leap on what will be an exciting journey of songwriting!
Andy

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jwmartin
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Re: Lyric Help? :)

Post by jwmartin » January 23rd, 2012, 8:15 am

You've got a great start to a song. I can hear how it should sound in my head. I don't really listen to country, but I know several people who write it and this is a definite country song. There needs to be some editing here or there to make it all fit a rhythm, but not too much. I'll try to record an idea of how I hear it tomorrow.

Simplyenchanting
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Re: Lyric Help? :)

Post by Simplyenchanting » January 27th, 2012, 7:37 am

andygetch: thanks for all the tips! I'll see what I can do.

jwmartin: I would love to hear it! And I agree, it needs editing to fit a rhythm, but I haven't figured out how to do that yet. I really want to hear what you come up with!
Last edited by Simplyenchanting on February 13th, 2012, 4:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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jwmartin
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Re: Lyric Help? :)

Post by jwmartin » January 30th, 2012, 8:16 am

I haven't forgotten about this, just haven't had a change to sit down with it yet.

Simplyenchanting
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Re: Lyric Help? :)

Post by Simplyenchanting » February 12th, 2012, 11:52 am

It's all good:) but I'd still love to hear it if you ever get it done!

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jwmartin
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Re: Lyric Help? :)

Post by jwmartin » February 17th, 2012, 11:14 am

Sorry, I wasn't able to get it done and now that February is here, I'm in the middle of FAWM (http://www.fawm.org), so all my musical energy is focused on that. I'll see if I can do something with is soon.

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